7 RULES FOR A "PRODUCTIVE 'FIGHT'"
note: by fight i do not mean anything involving any form of abuse, verbal, emotional or physical, simply that if a couple is never disagreeing, then real communication is NOT HAPPENING, and thus at least one party WILL BECOME DISSATISFIED
1. Use "I" language. The word "you" causes someone to become defensive. The minute we hear "You did this" or "You did that," we feel we are being judged and our automatic human reaction is to defend our position. The moment we become defensive, communication stops.  I statments work like this, "I feel _______ when you _______, I would rather you _______, because that would make me feel ______.  example. You never pick up after yourself, I'm tired of being your servant. You are an inconsiderate slob....reaction...definitely not a positive one, they will become angry, defensive, and NO LISTENING or progress will take place. instead, in the form of an I statement: "I feel unappreciated, overwhelmed, and taken for granted when you just drop your clothes in the floor like you sometimes do.  I would rather you be considerate of the work I do to keep our home nice and remember to pick up your things, like you often do, and it always makes me feel like we are such good partners together, but I'm sure if you could remember to do it as a daily habit, i would feel less overwhelmed and I would have so much more time to enjoy your company, and our nice home together" result.....THEY ARE LISTENING, communication is OPEN! PROGRESS WILL BE MADE. remember, I statements take practice, so don't expect for it to feel natural at first.
2. No "zinging." Many of us think a little, friendly "zing" or sarcastic remark is harmless. Not so. In fact, one of the number-one indicators of underlying conflict or negativity within a relationship is increased sarcasm. There is nothing harmless about it.  Learn to replace those with positive zings, so instead of "wow, that gut makes me wonder if I should start knitting booties" try "Have i told you lately you still make me melt when I look into your eyes?"

3. Don't "chase rabbits." Not sticking to the topic at hand, or chasing rabbits, creates a negative emotional reaction in others. When we don't stick to the point, the person trying to listen is first confused, then impatient and finally resentful. For example, a conversation about one mate not doing their share of the housework, becomes a conversation about their parenting skills, looks, money, etc.

4. Don't interrupt. It's not only rude, but it often creates the opposite of what we want to achieve. When we interrupt, we generally think we will end or reduce the length of the conversation, but the opposite is true.

5. Restate what you heard. We should make this tip a habit in all our conversations. If we have restated the other person's message correctly, their reaction will most often be, "They were listening, the really did get it!" And if they didn't you can clarify, and then you can move on in the communication process
6. Ask questions that will clarify, (make clearer) not judge. A question should never begin with the word "why." That puts people on the defensive -- and we know that defensiveness stops conversation rather than continues it. Instead of "Why do you always let the garbage overflow before you put it out" try "What can WE do to help remind us to put out the garbage before it is too full?"

7. Stay in the today, not the yesterday. Often, when we talk about the yesterdays, we tend to throw up the past, or blame. Blaming is a judgment and automatically causes the other person to become defensive. Subtle statements like "you NEVER..." subtly bring up the past. Don't set your goal to win, but to make progress TOGETHER.
BY DAISY LEA XT 3777
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