So. I dont actually know what to say. I'm not a child, I am 25, so I dont know if I can receive any form of assistance or advice, but I could sure use it. I think I'm an Empath and on some level a psychic. And even looking at it makes it sound weird but my gut tells me it's true.
I guess I should explain why I believe this to be true. I should start with, I dont usually physically see anything, but I feel the emotions so strong, and I know most of them aren't my own. I'm personally hardwired to be happy, but I've been being followed around by a negative spirit since my first paranormal experience.
I should start by saying I've been able to vivid dream since I was a baby. These dreams are hyper-realistic and I can remember most of them. My dreams have given me warnings as well as showed me things I have forgotten that I needed to remember, like passwords. They have also shown me the future, hence why I think I'm psychic on some level. I usually dont realize I've seen it till after it's happened, always a huge feeling of deja vu.
I usually never dream about the people in my life unless they are being deceitful. My dreams have exposed 2 different boyfriends as cheating, and each time they were correct. Another time I dreamed that I woke up and our entire back yard fencing was missing. Woke up to find out a severe storm had hit in the night, and uprooted most of the fencing.
It all started when I was about 3-4 years old (I can vividly remember things from when I was 2 on). I woke up from a nap one day to find that no one was in the apartment. We were in one of those old skyscraper apartments in NY, Long Island (where I'm from) to be specific. So, being little, able to walk, and very curious, I decided I wanted to go see my best friend, a little girl my age who lived across the hall.
When you exit this apartment, theres a stairway downstairs to leave, a stairway upstairs that I'd never paid any mind to, and my friends place on the other side, directly across from mine. I specifically remember feeling overjoyed when I saw her door and I started to go to it. The instant I was about half way, I stopped. Something changed. To this day I cant explain what the feeling was, other than all of a sudden I was staring at the door to the roof, having walked up the stairs going up. I didnt know at the time it was to the roof because I didnt know what a roof was. But I knew I wasn't supposed to go there, that it was dangerous. But it almost felt like I was, i dont know, being pulled, i guess?
So i followed the feeling to the door, and I remember deciding to open the door. As the door opened I was blinded by light. The light was so blinding that I couldn't see anything. When my vision cleared as I let go of the door, I heard it close behind me. My eyes cleared to show me, not the roof, but a concrete wall. And then I spun around as a lady came screaming out the door from behind me. I had just somehow closed her door and was outside. On the first floor. She had thought I fell from a higher apartment. What she didnt know is if I'd fallen from as many stories up as I was, I'd have died without question. I was so scared that I ran past her and through her apartment, and ran out the building and hid under a car until eventually my mom came running out trying to find me and I screamed for her.
She never believed me. Less than a week later the entire building burned to the ground as all of us watched, supposedly due to a lit cigarette outside, which to this day feels like a lie, a coverup. I have a gut feeling something was being hidden.
I had forgotten about it for a few years, until I was 5-6 and died. After the building fire we moved in with my mother's mom, my grandma, and with that move, abuse from my mom followed. Somewhere along the line after the fire, she decided everything in life was my fault, and dealt the blows for it. I was being hit so often that I was getting frequent concussions without realizing it.
I was at my grandma's one day taking a nap. And all of a sudden I was watching myself sleep. Except I wasn't sleeping, I couldn't feel my lungs filling. I watched, unable and unwilling to move, a spectator, just observing. I watched as my mom came in to check on me, and watched as she panicked and screamed for my grandma to call 911. Then, almost like a movie, I was suddenly floating above the house, watching my body being carried away on a stretcher and into the ambulance. The whole time i couldn't feel anything, it was not what I'd describe as numb. It was beyond numb, it was emptiness. Then all of a sudden it went black and i was in the hospital, where they told me I was dead for 17 minutes.
About a year or so later, when I was 7, I was put into daycare at a church for after school. We would play outside alot with roller skates and stuff. One day in particular I was going to try and skate without a helmet on, because I was feeling brave. Almost the instant I got to my feet I slipped and started falling backwards, almost like a plank, and was falling fast. Then all of a sudden, I felt something hold my upper back, like to hands on either side, and instead of everything going fast, I was suddenly moving slowly back into an upright position with the help of what ever had caught me and was righting me. I'd have thought it was my imagination, if it weren't for the attendant that watched it happened and told me she had seen a great ball of light catch me. At the speed I was falling and with the previous damage to my head, that fall if I'd made contact with the ground would have killed me. Without a doubt.
A few months later my grandma's favorite dog Bobby passed away. The only thing is, I never felt him leave the house. I'd have dreams of him alot, wondering the house, and then I'd feel him. At one point I swear I saw him chasing one of the chihuahuas he grew up with around the place, but it wasn't a solid shape, it almost was, but I'm certain if I'd tried to touch him, I'd have gone through him.
Around this time I began to see the "shadow people", these humanoid blobs of people, that were not fully formed beings, they literally blend into the shadows and are the shadows it feel like (We literally lived in front of a small community graveyard). They terrified me. It was then that I developed a fear of sleeping in the dark, of sleeping in shadow. I have never gotten over this fear.
After that a lot of life happened and I experienced another near death experience, having fallen from a 42 ft fall to concrete while sleep walking (was living in Florida at the time with my older sisters father who the day after leaving the hospital after being there 5 months, abandoned me at a children's shelter while my bones were still healing from the accident, I was using a walker and had a full back brace and leg brace), something that up until that point, consistantly happened to me as a kid up until this point. After this is when I began to get readings off of peoples emotions, but in extreme waves. While in the hospital I began feeling the nurses emotions and so I'd talk to them. The doctors were mostly comparitively guarded. Their emotions did not come off of them the way it did for most of the nurses.
I could feel their joy in a way that it was like touching it. Their joy felt the way gold looks if that makes sense. I could see their sadness, it would come off in waves and I'd cry. They'd ask me why but I'd always lie and say I just hurt, which only made them sadder and me more upset.
So they started bringing dogs in for me to see. The dogs helped so much, their emotions are so strong they blocked every human emotion in the room, and so I'd feel at peace and request them so often that they ended up arranging it so my favorite lab could visit every week rather than once a month.
It was like, I'd be fine and my happy self, but then all of a sudden I'd feel extreme rage and be yelling and screaming and trying to break things. Then all of a sudden I'd swing towards sadness, and be overwhelmed with grief and tears. But it never felt like me, it almost felt like I was sitting in the background, letting someone else take control for a bit, if that makes any sense. At school around 4th grade they diagnosed me as having an emotional disability, even though the natural chemicals in me that would normally cause that were all normal according to doctors at the time. This year in school they had also stated that I was at a 12 grade reading and comprehension level, so it wasn't like I was just an unstable kid or anything.
Fast forward a few years to being adopted in NY, and thing get much worse with spirits trying to contact me than ever in my life.
It started at my dad's house, which normally felt fine. Until the day it didnt and i felt so sick to my stomach and these thoughts that weren't mine kept entering my thoughts so I had to ask my adoptive dad. "Hey, did a girl die here?". And he was confused, because he did know that at least 2 people died there, one being a young girl who they said hung herself. I told him she was murdered and he said ok and dismissed me like I was making it up, thinking maybe someone else told me. But when I met my parents they had already been there 15 years, meaning the girl died before I was born and before anyone in my grade who could tell me was born, we'd have no way of knowing.
It was and is the only time I've heard the words of someone else from in my head. I could see the words, and I'm almost never able to hold words or number in my head, only images usually. After that she'd play tricks on me. Shed take things and hide them, or move them. It not the first place I'd been to where something has taken my things. While still in florida before my accident, we were helping move a friend out and I dropped my favorite little teddy bear while moving boxes, and when I came back in to grab it, it was gone, vanished into thin air. No one else was in the house, the adults were outside putting stuff away. When I saw that the hallway was empty, I felt this feeling telling me not to go back in and not to go looking for it. My step mom (at the time) couldn't find it anywhere when she went back in.
But anywho, back to the girl at my adoptive parents house and her tricks. Usually they were very harmless tricks. Until the day she decided to play with the light in the living room. There was a lamp a good distance away from me, near the tv that I was watching. This lamp was off. Then all of a sudden, in the middle of the night, it turned on super bright. My first thought was that the bulb must be lose and it was never actually turned off. So I get up to go fix the bulb. Only to find the bulb wasn't there. The instant I saw there was nothing but blinding light, I panicked, then the light shut off and I ran to get my parents because I was terrified. It no longer felt like a harmless prank, this was just weird and felt like they were trying to mess with my mind. It feels like they wanted me to think I was crazy.
When I left that house I ended up at my adoptive moms house after they divorced. This house had an odd feeling to it, almost like there was pressure on the house itself, like it was going to cave in, idk if this makes sense, but it was like the house itself was emitting waves of emotion, as though what ever was in it, needed to stay there. But everything was fine. And then the hand happened. The hand that grabbed me so hard it woke me up. After that my emotions went haywire, and I couldn't control my mood swings at all while in the house, so I'd be gone all day. I was about 17.
So basically what has happened is, I accidentally (on purpose) shut off my connection to spirits when I was 16-17. I got too scared because before I could just feel their presence usually, not feel them, at least not in a negative manner, but at that point they were starting to physically touch me, I turned away from it all when one day while I was sleeping, I got yanked out of my sleep by a hand, and I startled awake but no one was there.
But I never stopped being able to feel living peoples emotions and my dreams never stopped. I gained the addition of what most call "gut instinct" but I feel mine might be stronger than most. Everytime something bad has happened to me or someone I care about, I'd have these strong instincts about it, this gut feeling telling me something bad is going to happen, prepare yourself. It would never say specifically what was going to happen though (I never actually tried to know).
Fast forward to this year and the gut feeling has become stronger since moving to CA. Earlier this year I literally felt so bad at a friends house about going back to where I was living, that I was balling my eyes out begging to spend the night, I just kept repeating "something bad is gunna happen I know its gunna happen". And sure enough about an hour after being home i get attacked by a crazy lady.
So my point of bringing all this up is. I need help taking down the walls I out up against the spirits. I have realized that I am meant to be a conduit. I feel in my heart and in my gut that there are spirits reaching out to me that need help, that need their stories heard, but I dont know how to hear them any more. They will move and drop little things every day or so to get my attention (just little things like a bag falling or a pen rolling by itself across the table). Theres an overwhelming feeling of anger that makes me want to scream but I know it's not my own and has to do with shutting them out. The problem I think is that I'm terrified to hear them properly. I want to and feel I need to be able to connect to them. But I don't know how to fix what I did to be able to do it.
I feel its crucial that this be fixed while I'm young, or i may lose the ability forever. It's an overwhelming feeling of anxiety everytime i think about it. I know in my heart of hearts that i need to hear them, as weird as this may sound, i think God saved me when i died, so i could help save the trapped spirits that need to be heard so they can leave this world in peace.
I dont know if you can or would be willing to assist or advise or anything, i just, I don't know, i just really need help so I can help them. I feel the emotions of them calling for help but I cant hear it. I need to hear it.
Thank you for your time if you bothered to read this entire mini life story, I truly help you could lend me some advice. Have a blessed day.