Chasing A Cloudy Rainbow

Hello Readers,

How are you? I hope well. The subject that I am about to write is not only a touchy subject but one that I have been going back and forth with for a while. The things that I may say might offend some of you but I am not here to help you lick your wounds, I am here to help you become empowered. In this blog writing I am going to talk about one man who not until recently have made me really do a lot of inner work within myself and have also made me confront a lot of my own inner demons. Which is never, ever easy. I am not going to mention his name because that would be rude, I will mention the lessons that I learned, what it taught me and continues to teach me. Now, the guy that had the honor to grace himself into my life was a person I'll call Mr. A I met Mr. A through my best friend with whom he worked with. The first time I met him I must admit I thought he was cute, kinda like Jack Black but better looking with piercing blue eyes. Mr. A and I hit it off well and became what I call party buds. We would only see each other through the occasional party that my friends and I would throw or if my best friend needed a ride from work. Anyway, as time went on we would hang out and have a few drinks and then we would make out. Sounds great right? There was only one actually, two  problems. He was straight and I was gay and two he wasn't into me as I was into him. In my head as we kissed, he was a great kisser. I saw or rather thought in my nutty brain that he and I could have a life together, that soon he would admit to himself and to me his feelings and we would be very happy and content. Thankfully, that never happened and the reason I am grateful for this is because, I have realized that Mr. A and I are on completely different paths with our lives  It never occurred to me that Mr. A was simply experimenting and drunk. Meanwhile, I 'm still hoping that he and I are going to have that deep connection. You see, with Mr. A I was able to let my guards down which for someone like myself is a great thing. It was one of the first times that I felt really connected to someone. Whenever Mr. A would sleep off his hangover and not return the affection that I had given him, I would be devastated. I thought that he really cared for me and now that I look back at it I realize that he did just not in that way. Over the next couple of months Mr. A and  talked a lot more and became greater friends. He told me that he hated phones and liked letters instead, so he and I would write each other. I thought it was so romantic, hearing from him via letter. Even though I never told how I felt, you could read between the lines. I wrote  him a lot and he and I would just talk about what was going on in our lives. After my fifth letter that I had written him, I came to the realization that he and I were friends nothing more. I told him how I felt about him but more importantly I told him that I was happy to be his friend. What I am saying is that there comes a time when you have to stop and realize that you are chasing something or someone that does not want to be or need to be chased. Is it fun and exciting to chase something that is unwanted? Yes! On the flip side of it though it is sad because it says that you have value yourself too little. Think about it. You have a person who is involved with an already attached person and even though they know in their heart of hearts this is not healthy for them or the person who is saying that He/She is going to leave their spouse. It never happens, they keep begin strung along and in the end they choose to chase this person because either they are stuck in it or they feel like there is a glimmer of hope. This happens with family, friends you name it. We have all done it, but you have to ask yourself is it worth it? Or am I just chasing a cloudy rainbow? You Decide.

Love, Leo