Ask Jeanmarie - Best Friends and Boyfriends
Jeanmarie (Witchster)
8 March 2010
Hi Jeanmarie,
I am in my 20s and have been friends with this guy for 10 years. This has been a regular friendship but over the last year has become much more. I met him through my bff Gia. He is a very good friend of Gia so he also became my friend. At first, he, Gia and I would go to the movies, split the cost of a pizza between us, hang together at Gia’s house, at his house and at my house. We would play games, watch tv, listen to music and talk just about everything. You name it we did it, but always together. Well this last year things have changed. The friendship between him and I deepened and has changed the relationship between the 3 of us. Gia doesn’t want to be around us anymore and it is really bothering me. Gia and I have been friends for as long as I can remember. We wore each other’s clothes, shared our food, told people we were sisters and swore we would be friends forever. He has been friends with Gia for a long time too so I am feeling a lot of guilt for causing this estrangement between them, but the worst thing is I am so missing Gia. Because of this guilt I am not comfortable to love him as I should and this has taken a toll on our relationship. We both don’t want to lose our friend. As tough as this is for me I am thinking of breaking it off with him. Do you think I should break up with him?
Answer:
You must let go of your guilt. It is soul-deadening, oppressive and prohibits positive action. Forgive yourself. We all have to go to "Love School." You live and learn, make amends and apologies.
Did either of you ask Gia how she would feel if the 2 of you became a couple? If not, you should apologize for not doing so, and ask her what she would have you do now?
You can't go back, you can't stand still, you can only move forward. The situation has already changed. You can't go back to being the "3 Musketeers."
Is Gia dating anyone? Have the 2 of you thought about "double dating" with her and another person, or fixing her up on a "blind date" double date? Or is she "secretly" in love with your guy and hoping someday it would be him and her? If she loves him, and you love her, you should end it with him. You would need her blessing to continue on with him and keep her as your bff. If she loves you both, she will give you her blessing. But if she is "in love" with him she probably would find it hard to still be your friend and she would not want to witness the 2 of you together.
You said that you and Gia talked about everything. You need to talk about this. You have shared everything, but you can't share him if either of you are dating him intimately. Would you be able to just be friends with him again? If the two of them were to become intimate would you be able to witness it? And if you end it with him that also puts Gia on the spot. Which of you is she to side with? She may not want to be responsible for the break-up. She is as much in this relationship as the 2 of you are. Your concern is for her and about her. You need to talk to her. Trust that she will understand and forgive you. Unless you are going to marry this man and ask Gia to be your Maid of Honor, then your friendship with her will be of greater importance than your relationship with him. She is more likely to be a bff than him, unless you are going to marry him, in which case maybe you all can still be friends. If you are willing to share your husband with a friend, as a friend, as Gia was willing to share her friend with you as a friend.
Things change. Eventually one or each of you would meet a significant other who monopolizes your time, any one of you may marry or move away and be busy with your own families and grow apart. If he does not marry one of you then he will find someone who most likely will not allow him to be friends with the 2 of you. But you and Gia could very well be best friends forever. If you want Gia to be your best friend forever then you must have a heart to heart talk with her. Prepare yourself, choose what you are going to say, and be prepared to end it with him if that is what is required.
I wish you happiness.
Namaste and Blessed Be,
Your Witchster,
Jeanmarie
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